I'm too scared to be excited!

I am sitting here trying to take it all in and I just can't seem to even grasp it all. Could it honestly be that after 18 years of hoping and praying that there might be a chance that we're going to find her? Can it really be that there is someone out there other than family that cares enough to see that loved ones are reunited? My mind is reeling - so many questions, so many concerns, so many worries about getting my hopes up. I have been out of work sick the last few days. Maybe there was a reason for it other than just my illness. I mean, what were the odds that anyone would ever call me? Okay, so now I know you are wondering what the hell I am talking about. In order for you to understand I need to go back a few months. I have joined a couple of online groups for birth mothers. It's been such a relief to find others that had experienced the anguish of placing a child for adoption. For so many years I longed for someone else to truly understand the emptiness and heartbreak that giving my daughter away had/has caused. The internet gave me access to a wonderful group of people at http://www.ehbabes.com/. Everyone in this group has been touched by adoption. Some of them are adoptees, some are birth parents and there are even a few adoptive parents in the group. This is a place for us all to go and not be judged or misunderstood. This group has been a lifesaver to me. It was through them that I first learned of a t.v. show called The Locator. I had never heard of it, but after hearing them talk about it I decided to go to the website and check it out. The website that I went to was http://www.wetv.com/blogs/the-locator/index.html. It was here that I learned that Troy Dunn and his team could be the answer to my prayers. However, I really didn't follow through with submitting anything until my dear Aunt Angie told my Mom that I needed to try to get in touch with the show. She had just watched an episode and really believed that they could help me find her. I went ahead and sent in my information along with my pleas to find my daughter. I also went ahead and sent in a request to get additional information regarding the "for fee" searches. At this point I figured I had nothing to lose either way. I never thought that anything would ever come of either of my requests. I mean, even their website talked about the overwhelming response that they had received. What was so special about my story? Then yesterday my entire world was shaken when I received a call from Grant. Grant just happens to be a member of The Locator team. We talked for a few minutes and I gave him some of the details about hoping to find her. He then sent me a questionnaire to fill out and send back to him. Keep in mind that I am still sick during this and really didn't feel like doing anything at all, but as soon as I got it I sat down, poured my heart out to every question they asked and then sent it along with pictures of Jason and I, Mom and Dad, and I also sent the only pictures I have of Megan. I thought that maybe if I could make it a little more personal to them that it might help. Any way, the questionnaire I filled out did contain a disclaimer stating that this does not mean that they are conducting a search for me, but that it does mean that they are interested in considering my story for one of the Angel Searches. Any way, back to the story. Not even 5 minutes after I sent all of the information back to Grant, I received another call from him. He wanted to know if I had access to a video camera. I don't, but he said that was no problem because they would FedEx one to me and then I could send it back to them after I taped my answers to seven additional questions. I am now waiting for the camera and the questions so that I can get it taped and back to him as soon as humanly possible. So now I stand here with a hint of hope, but also with a huge amount of fear. What if I don't get chosen? What if they can't locate her? What if she doesn't know about me or even worse what if she doesn't want to know me? It all just seems to be too much to think about or take in. I'm hoping that if everyone that my family and I know say a little prayer for us that maybe, just maybe, God will hear all of your prayers and He'll grant my family and I the chance to finally meet the missing piece.

The Waiting Game

I am sitting here trying to grasp everything that I have gone through in the last month or so. This medical roller coaster has been quite exhausting. Unfortunately, I still have no answers. I think that the worst part is that I have no idea when I might. I am frustrated that in this day and time it takes numerous doctors to even begin to find the problem. I now know that I have numerous nodules on my thyroid (one of which is solid). I also know that my blood tests came back with elevated results for the Sjogren's Syndrome Antibody A and something else that has to do with the immune system. I have been informed that my thyroid sits higher than most individuals. Mine is approximately 1" - 1 1/2" above the adam's apple area. However, at the same time, I was told that has no significance. It's just an oddity. The funny thing is that the doctor related it to a tilted uterine. Little did he know that I fall under that category as well. Now I'm beginning to wonder if any of my internal body parts are where they should be. Mom, did you forget to tell me something? LOL

I am now waiting on additional blood tests results, an appointment with an ENT specialist (next week) and an ultrasound/needle biopsy (next month). Just thinking about it all exhausts me! Hopefully, in the end, every time I've been stuck with a needle, every piece of paperwork I've filled out and every embarrassing question I've had to answer will all be worth it. Hopefully, soon, I'll be able to get back to "normal."



Patience is the best remedy for every trouble. (Unfortunately, I have none! LOL)
~Titus Maccius Plautus

Free at last!

My Aunt Barbara passed away today. I catch myself struggling with my feelings. I am saddened that she has passed and I'm heartbroken that her life was so full of struggles. Yet, there is this part of me that is happy for her because I know that her suffering has ended. She no longer has to face the disadvantages that life continued to hand her. She now is free - free from the everyday struggles of not being able to care for herself, free from the uncertainty of knowing how her mind and body were going to treat her each day and free from no longer knowing or being herself. She's free! When I look at it this way, I can't help but smile. Now I can picture her with a smile on her face and her arms wide open greeting our loved ones that have left us all behind. Aunt Barbara, today God gave you the gift of peace. I can't help but think that that's probably the best gift you've ever received; and as much as we are going to miss you we love you enough to let you go. I've never preferred these words before; however, they've never been more appropriate...Rest in Peace, Aunt Barbara. Rest in Peace.

In the midst of all my sadness...

God sends me visitors to remind me of how special life can be.

Life isn't always fair...

I've spent the biggest part of the evening contemplating life and how unfair it really is to some. Why is it that some people never seem to get a break from the down side of life? Who is it and why do they decide that certain people shouldn't get a chance to sit back and enjoy life as most of us know it? I can't and I won't believe that the God that I feel exists would ever put this on anyone (especially those so undeserving). As I'm writing this I have two family members fighting for their lives and the irony of it is that they seem to have always been fighting. Maybe not always fighting for their lives, but fighting for inner peace, for better lives, for what they deserve. Why them again? There's no answer and as much as I'd like to think that there is a reason for all their suffering, I can't imagine any answer that would be worth all of what they have been handed. I can only pray that if they take their last breath that God will grant them the eternal happiness that they seemed to never find during their earth bound journey. Aunt Barbara and Timmy, we love you, both, and want you healthy and happy.

Happy Birthday, Baby Girl!

I think today is the hardest of her birthdays yet. She's turning 18. Up until now I could believe that the reason that she hasn't searched for me is because she legally couldn't. Now, however, I won't have that excuse. Now I will continually wonder if she even knows she's adopted or even worse if she just doesn't want to know about me and her first family. That's the reality that would hurt the most. Not just for me, but for my parents. My story is a little different from most because my parents were there with me, supporting me. They wanted me to bring her home and they would help me. I couldn't do that to them! I wasn't ready to be a Mom and they had already raised 5 of us kids! I didn't want to be unfair to them! Little did I know how unfair I was really being to them because they have had to live with the effects and guilt of my decision as well. I couldn't tell you how many times my Mom or Dad has said "We should have just brought her home. We could've made it work." I never once thought of the lifelong guilt and pain I was putting on them! I thought I was doing what was best for her! I was told that she would have a great life with a Mom and Dad to love and support her. I was told that it would get easier for me also! Lies - I can't help but feel that every word Gail Block, my caseworker with FOC, and Friends of Children spit out of their mouths were lies! If I could go back, knowing what I know and feel now, things would be so different! I would be the one preparing for my daughter's birthday! I would be the one waiting in anticipation for her to blow out the candles on her cake and open her presents! I would be the one that she calls Mom! If only I had known...

Dedicated to Megan

He Would Be 16 Video

He Would Be 16 lyrics - Michelle Wright lyrics

Michelle Wright Music Videos

Music Video Codes by VideoCure

Birthday Wishes

I am sitting here doing my best to think of something positive to write about. I know that in all actuality I should feel good about things. The temperature was in the high 70s today. All of our flowers and trees are full of blooms and the birds are singing. I have accepted an exceptional job that most people can only dream of. Our vacation to the Gulf Coast of Florida is only three weeks away. Yet, I sit here feeling like the world is sitting on my shoulders, weighing me down. What is wrong with me? Why do I do this to myself? I know that the month of April is harder on me. It's been that way now for 18 years. I know that it comes every year and every year I promise myself that I'm not going to let it get me down. Those are just promises I make to myself to help me believe that it's going to get easier. Broken promises - that I know I will never be able to keep. That is, until I find her. Of course I won't have any guarantees then, but at least I will know. There will be no more questioning, no more hoping and praying and no more grieving. Even as those words come out of my mind, I know they aren't true. I have subjected myself to a lifetime of heartbreak even if I find her. I think this year is so much harder because she turns 18. Now she can legally search for me. That scares me more than anything because if I don't hear anything from her then I will feel that she doesn't want to know me or her family! I will fear that she will never know how much love we all had/have for her! As hard as it will be, I will be able to live with that, but I will never be able to live with her questioning her Mom Mom Nita's and Poppy Ed's love for her. They didn't have a choice. They had to live with my decision and they have both regretted it ever since. That's what hurts the most. So today I am grieving what might have been, what should have been and what may never be. Today I am heartbroken for my parents because they deserve to know our missing piece! Today I am heartbroken for Megan because I realize how much she will be missing out on if she never gets a chance to know them! I know that birthday wishes are supposed to be for the birthday girl, but this year I am going to make a wish for Megan's birthday. My wish is that she gets a chance to know her Mom Mom and Poppy and that they get a chance to finally hold her in their arms!

Too Many Choices

I know what most of you are going to say before I even begin typing this blog. "You can never have too many choices!" It's like a broken record that keeps playing in my head, over and over and over again. However, for someone like me - someone who can only function "normally" with defined structure and routine in their life - too many choices becomes overwhelming. I joke about this being an issue that I associate with my touch of bi-polar disease (not officially diagnosed, but I would bet my last dime on it!), but this is a debilitating issue for me. When I am faced with important delimmas and there are choices that I have to make regarding these, I tend to go into defensive mode. I think of 5 million reasons why the change would not be beneficial to me. Someone on the outside would hear my reasons and laugh at how petty they were. I would try to explain how the slightest change in my routine can cause me to shut down and not want to interact with the world any more. They would say that we all have those moments. I would say that when I am taken out of my comfort zone then I tend to feel like I need to escape - not only from the issue at hand, but everything: myself, my family, my job, etc. (Now don't get excited. I'm not going anywhere. I'm just trying to help you understand how my mind works.) I just wish there was a magic button that I could push that would just make the decision for me. Even better would be a magic button that would help everyone else see how my mind works. Maybe then they would understand that some of us just aren't built for life that keeps changes lanes. Some of us are quite content (and actually prefer) our every day, simple, scheduled life.

Leavin' on a jet plane

Well today is my first full day of Jason being out of town. For the most part, while he's away, the daytime hours pass as usual. It's when I get home after work that I notice the stillness of life without him. I expect to see him walking through the door with that ear to ear grin that still melts my heart every time I see it. Then I realize that I'm not going to see that smile for a few more days and I start to feel all alone. (As I am typing this, almost as if on cue, my beautiful calico baby girl curls up on the desk beside my keyboard. It's almost as if she's reminding me that they -my furry babies- are still here.) I know I'm not alone. Jason makes sure to call me as much as possible. I talk to my Mom, probably more than she'd like to, and then my wonderful 2nd family (Jason's family - they are much too special to be called in laws) call and check in and also extend wonderful invites to dinner. As nice as it all is, it just doesn't make up for him not being here! I just love sharing every day, ordinary life with him! Everything seems so much better when I get to share it with him! I know I could live without him if I had to, but I also know that life would never be quite as "sunshiny" or filled with quite as many rainbows! Hurry home, baby doll! We (your shuga-booga, Gracie Girl, Superman -AKA Jiggy- and your Jezzy Girl) are all waiting with our arms wide open! We love you beyond!

Babies and such

There are so many things that I keep thinking that I want to blog about: our house remodeling project (which will probably last about 10 years), how much we enjoy the quietness of country living, how my husband is such a great handy man, and lots of other little tidbits that I'm sure most of you won't find very entertaining. However, right now, my mind and heart is consumed with the most recent life journey that Jason and I have begun to travel...having a baby. We've been "family planning" for a while now (long enough to know that something isn't working right). Since my so-called baby years are quickly passing (at least in my opinion), we decided to not waste anymore time and go to the doctor to see if they can figure out what's going on. Fortunately, for Jason things on his side are good. Unfortunately for me, that means the burden of not becoming pregnant yet lies with me. So far they have confirmed that there are no problems with my blood work that would cause complications. The next step will be for me to go through a HSG Test. It should determine if there are any blockages or problems in my fallopian tubes or my uterus. I'm not looking forward to this. From what I've read (sometimes the internet isn't a wonderful thing) and heard this is a very uncomfortable procedure. I have actually been torn as to whether or not I want to go through with it! I'm just not sure how much testing I'm willing to do! Anyway, for now, I have agreed to take this next step. Where the road will lead us after that I am not sure. I have a lot of thinking to do. How far am I really willing to go to get to experience being a Mommy? Right now...I'm not sure.

I'll keep you posted.

And of course, my wonderful husband, who doesn't have to go through any of the physical testing, would like to weigh in as well (see below).

Jason's thoughts.....i like trying to make the babies! practice makes better babies!

A Wonderful Life...

For once in my life, I truly feel that I have it all. I have an amazing husband, two exceptionally loving cats (Jiggy & Jezzy), a spoiled rotten dog (Gracie), a wonderful home with lots of potential, and a job that (for the most part) I love. What more could a girl ask for, right? Unfortunately, for me there is more. I could ask for a chance to go back in time. Back to 1990 so that I could change the course of my life, but would I really want to do that. Every decision (good and bad) from that day forward lead me to Jason, the man of my dreams. I wouldn't give that up for anything, but I can't say that my decisions that year still don't haunt me. They do, every day. If only I could find her! I honestly believe that I could feel some sense of closure if I could just tell her why and let her know how much I/we love her. Maybe then I could step back and live my wonderful life guilt free!