For so many years I wondered... For so many years I searched... For so many years I cried...For so many years I was haunted...

In the past, no one could have ever convinced me that after 22 years my daughter would not only be found, but that she would want to get to know me and be a part of my life. I have been blessed beyond and am still unsure that I deserve this! 

After talking on the phone and texting for almost 3 1/2 months, I was finally able to meet my daughter in person. I can not describe the excitement, anticipation and fear that built up inside of me on the drive to KY. I knew we already had an amazing relationship, but I had no idea how meeting in person might affect that. Would I be everything she had hoped for? Would meeting me in person change her opinion? I was an emotional wreck waiting for her to get to the hotel. That was probably the longest hour and a half of my life! :-) Just seeing her pull into the parking lot was an emotional experience. Here was my daughter, in the flesh, that I had only been able to dream about for 22 years. Of course, there were no words needed. Our embrace said much more than any words ever could!! At that moment I realized that I was complete; that the missing piece of my heart and soul had been discovered! I knew that after all of these years she was "home" and that I could feel peace! She has no idea how much her willingness to forgive and her open heart have impacted my life! How do you ever thank someone for that?She is my heart and soul! She really is the wind beneath my wings! 

Kirsten - I promise you that I will always be here for you!! I will love and support you and will do everything I can to protect you! I will love you beyond...and then some!!!

The phoned call I've waited 22 years for...

Friday, March 30th:

For 22 years I've hoped and prayed for some answers. For 22 years years I've longed to know that my daughter was alive. Those prayers came true on my Daddy's birthday, March 30th. After just a week of having my consent to search forms, GARR (Georgia Adoption Reunion Registry) called me to tell me that they had located my daughter.  I can't even begin to explain what that phone call meant to me! After 22 years of my wondering, worrying, hoping and my heart breaking, one phone call changed it all!She is alive!! My beautiful daughter is healthy, happy and she wants to get to know me!! Words just aren't adequate enough to describe how I feel! I didn't ever really understand the burden and guilt I have carried in my heart all these years until I hung up that phone call. I wept with joy for the knowledge I was just given. I wept with sadness for all the years that I've lost and I wept with hope for the future. 

A mother's love is instinctual, unconditional, and forever.
- unknown

If only I could have...

I am sitting here trying to remember how you looked before. I am sitting here trying to remember how your voice sounded before. I am sitting here trying to remember how your life was before. I would give ANYTHING if I could just remember how things were before the cancer invaded your body and took you away.
I wouldn't go back and change the fact that I was there with you the last few days of your life. However, I would change everything about the time I spent with you. I would sit by your side, holding your hand, reminding you how much you are loved. I would make sure to thank you over and over again for all those times that you were there for me (even when I didn't appreciate it or want it at the time). I would have made sure that anything you wanted or wished for was there for you to indulge in - no matter what the doctors or nurses said. I would have encouraged you to listen for the angels singing in the hopes that they would encourage you to let loose of this world so that your suffering would have ended sooner. I would have wrapped you in my arms with the hopes that I could take your pain and suffering upon myself. If only I could have....I would have.

LOL...

I am sitting here taking in the shenanigans of the youngest of our furry babies, Everest (better known as Little Man). I'm catching myself actually laughing out loud and realizing that none of us do that enough in life. We don't know how to stop and take in all the joys. It's almost like we refuse to take the time to find the laughter in life. I am going to vow to myself that from today forward I will take a few minutes every day to just stop and take in all the smiles, laughter and joys that life has to offer. I will set aside all of the stress of work and every day life and just pause. I will try to be more like my cats - little things will amuse me and make me happy and I will be content any where as long as the ones I love are near.

I'm too scared to be excited!

I am sitting here trying to take it all in and I just can't seem to even grasp it all. Could it honestly be that after 18 years of hoping and praying that there might be a chance that we're going to find her? Can it really be that there is someone out there other than family that cares enough to see that loved ones are reunited? My mind is reeling - so many questions, so many concerns, so many worries about getting my hopes up. I have been out of work sick the last few days. Maybe there was a reason for it other than just my illness. I mean, what were the odds that anyone would ever call me? Okay, so now I know you are wondering what the hell I am talking about. In order for you to understand I need to go back a few months. I have joined a couple of online groups for birth mothers. It's been such a relief to find others that had experienced the anguish of placing a child for adoption. For so many years I longed for someone else to truly understand the emptiness and heartbreak that giving my daughter away had/has caused. The internet gave me access to a wonderful group of people at http://www.ehbabes.com/. Everyone in this group has been touched by adoption. Some of them are adoptees, some are birth parents and there are even a few adoptive parents in the group. This is a place for us all to go and not be judged or misunderstood. This group has been a lifesaver to me. It was through them that I first learned of a t.v. show called The Locator. I had never heard of it, but after hearing them talk about it I decided to go to the website and check it out. The website that I went to was http://www.wetv.com/blogs/the-locator/index.html. It was here that I learned that Troy Dunn and his team could be the answer to my prayers. However, I really didn't follow through with submitting anything until my dear Aunt Angie told my Mom that I needed to try to get in touch with the show. She had just watched an episode and really believed that they could help me find her. I went ahead and sent in my information along with my pleas to find my daughter. I also went ahead and sent in a request to get additional information regarding the "for fee" searches. At this point I figured I had nothing to lose either way. I never thought that anything would ever come of either of my requests. I mean, even their website talked about the overwhelming response that they had received. What was so special about my story? Then yesterday my entire world was shaken when I received a call from Grant. Grant just happens to be a member of The Locator team. We talked for a few minutes and I gave him some of the details about hoping to find her. He then sent me a questionnaire to fill out and send back to him. Keep in mind that I am still sick during this and really didn't feel like doing anything at all, but as soon as I got it I sat down, poured my heart out to every question they asked and then sent it along with pictures of Jason and I, Mom and Dad, and I also sent the only pictures I have of Megan. I thought that maybe if I could make it a little more personal to them that it might help. Any way, the questionnaire I filled out did contain a disclaimer stating that this does not mean that they are conducting a search for me, but that it does mean that they are interested in considering my story for one of the Angel Searches. Any way, back to the story. Not even 5 minutes after I sent all of the information back to Grant, I received another call from him. He wanted to know if I had access to a video camera. I don't, but he said that was no problem because they would FedEx one to me and then I could send it back to them after I taped my answers to seven additional questions. I am now waiting for the camera and the questions so that I can get it taped and back to him as soon as humanly possible. So now I stand here with a hint of hope, but also with a huge amount of fear. What if I don't get chosen? What if they can't locate her? What if she doesn't know about me or even worse what if she doesn't want to know me? It all just seems to be too much to think about or take in. I'm hoping that if everyone that my family and I know say a little prayer for us that maybe, just maybe, God will hear all of your prayers and He'll grant my family and I the chance to finally meet the missing piece.

The Waiting Game

I am sitting here trying to grasp everything that I have gone through in the last month or so. This medical roller coaster has been quite exhausting. Unfortunately, I still have no answers. I think that the worst part is that I have no idea when I might. I am frustrated that in this day and time it takes numerous doctors to even begin to find the problem. I now know that I have numerous nodules on my thyroid (one of which is solid). I also know that my blood tests came back with elevated results for the Sjogren's Syndrome Antibody A and something else that has to do with the immune system. I have been informed that my thyroid sits higher than most individuals. Mine is approximately 1" - 1 1/2" above the adam's apple area. However, at the same time, I was told that has no significance. It's just an oddity. The funny thing is that the doctor related it to a tilted uterine. Little did he know that I fall under that category as well. Now I'm beginning to wonder if any of my internal body parts are where they should be. Mom, did you forget to tell me something? LOL

I am now waiting on additional blood tests results, an appointment with an ENT specialist (next week) and an ultrasound/needle biopsy (next month). Just thinking about it all exhausts me! Hopefully, in the end, every time I've been stuck with a needle, every piece of paperwork I've filled out and every embarrassing question I've had to answer will all be worth it. Hopefully, soon, I'll be able to get back to "normal."



Patience is the best remedy for every trouble. (Unfortunately, I have none! LOL)
~Titus Maccius Plautus

Free at last!

My Aunt Barbara passed away today. I catch myself struggling with my feelings. I am saddened that she has passed and I'm heartbroken that her life was so full of struggles. Yet, there is this part of me that is happy for her because I know that her suffering has ended. She no longer has to face the disadvantages that life continued to hand her. She now is free - free from the everyday struggles of not being able to care for herself, free from the uncertainty of knowing how her mind and body were going to treat her each day and free from no longer knowing or being herself. She's free! When I look at it this way, I can't help but smile. Now I can picture her with a smile on her face and her arms wide open greeting our loved ones that have left us all behind. Aunt Barbara, today God gave you the gift of peace. I can't help but think that that's probably the best gift you've ever received; and as much as we are going to miss you we love you enough to let you go. I've never preferred these words before; however, they've never been more appropriate...Rest in Peace, Aunt Barbara. Rest in Peace.