Happy Birthday, Baby Girl!

I think today is the hardest of her birthdays yet. She's turning 18. Up until now I could believe that the reason that she hasn't searched for me is because she legally couldn't. Now, however, I won't have that excuse. Now I will continually wonder if she even knows she's adopted or even worse if she just doesn't want to know about me and her first family. That's the reality that would hurt the most. Not just for me, but for my parents. My story is a little different from most because my parents were there with me, supporting me. They wanted me to bring her home and they would help me. I couldn't do that to them! I wasn't ready to be a Mom and they had already raised 5 of us kids! I didn't want to be unfair to them! Little did I know how unfair I was really being to them because they have had to live with the effects and guilt of my decision as well. I couldn't tell you how many times my Mom or Dad has said "We should have just brought her home. We could've made it work." I never once thought of the lifelong guilt and pain I was putting on them! I thought I was doing what was best for her! I was told that she would have a great life with a Mom and Dad to love and support her. I was told that it would get easier for me also! Lies - I can't help but feel that every word Gail Block, my caseworker with FOC, and Friends of Children spit out of their mouths were lies! If I could go back, knowing what I know and feel now, things would be so different! I would be the one preparing for my daughter's birthday! I would be the one waiting in anticipation for her to blow out the candles on her cake and open her presents! I would be the one that she calls Mom! If only I had known...

Dedicated to Megan

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Birthday Wishes

I am sitting here doing my best to think of something positive to write about. I know that in all actuality I should feel good about things. The temperature was in the high 70s today. All of our flowers and trees are full of blooms and the birds are singing. I have accepted an exceptional job that most people can only dream of. Our vacation to the Gulf Coast of Florida is only three weeks away. Yet, I sit here feeling like the world is sitting on my shoulders, weighing me down. What is wrong with me? Why do I do this to myself? I know that the month of April is harder on me. It's been that way now for 18 years. I know that it comes every year and every year I promise myself that I'm not going to let it get me down. Those are just promises I make to myself to help me believe that it's going to get easier. Broken promises - that I know I will never be able to keep. That is, until I find her. Of course I won't have any guarantees then, but at least I will know. There will be no more questioning, no more hoping and praying and no more grieving. Even as those words come out of my mind, I know they aren't true. I have subjected myself to a lifetime of heartbreak even if I find her. I think this year is so much harder because she turns 18. Now she can legally search for me. That scares me more than anything because if I don't hear anything from her then I will feel that she doesn't want to know me or her family! I will fear that she will never know how much love we all had/have for her! As hard as it will be, I will be able to live with that, but I will never be able to live with her questioning her Mom Mom Nita's and Poppy Ed's love for her. They didn't have a choice. They had to live with my decision and they have both regretted it ever since. That's what hurts the most. So today I am grieving what might have been, what should have been and what may never be. Today I am heartbroken for my parents because they deserve to know our missing piece! Today I am heartbroken for Megan because I realize how much she will be missing out on if she never gets a chance to know them! I know that birthday wishes are supposed to be for the birthday girl, but this year I am going to make a wish for Megan's birthday. My wish is that she gets a chance to know her Mom Mom and Poppy and that they get a chance to finally hold her in their arms!