In the midst of all my sadness...

God sends me visitors to remind me of how special life can be.

Life isn't always fair...

I've spent the biggest part of the evening contemplating life and how unfair it really is to some. Why is it that some people never seem to get a break from the down side of life? Who is it and why do they decide that certain people shouldn't get a chance to sit back and enjoy life as most of us know it? I can't and I won't believe that the God that I feel exists would ever put this on anyone (especially those so undeserving). As I'm writing this I have two family members fighting for their lives and the irony of it is that they seem to have always been fighting. Maybe not always fighting for their lives, but fighting for inner peace, for better lives, for what they deserve. Why them again? There's no answer and as much as I'd like to think that there is a reason for all their suffering, I can't imagine any answer that would be worth all of what they have been handed. I can only pray that if they take their last breath that God will grant them the eternal happiness that they seemed to never find during their earth bound journey. Aunt Barbara and Timmy, we love you, both, and want you healthy and happy.

Happy Birthday, Baby Girl!

I think today is the hardest of her birthdays yet. She's turning 18. Up until now I could believe that the reason that she hasn't searched for me is because she legally couldn't. Now, however, I won't have that excuse. Now I will continually wonder if she even knows she's adopted or even worse if she just doesn't want to know about me and her first family. That's the reality that would hurt the most. Not just for me, but for my parents. My story is a little different from most because my parents were there with me, supporting me. They wanted me to bring her home and they would help me. I couldn't do that to them! I wasn't ready to be a Mom and they had already raised 5 of us kids! I didn't want to be unfair to them! Little did I know how unfair I was really being to them because they have had to live with the effects and guilt of my decision as well. I couldn't tell you how many times my Mom or Dad has said "We should have just brought her home. We could've made it work." I never once thought of the lifelong guilt and pain I was putting on them! I thought I was doing what was best for her! I was told that she would have a great life with a Mom and Dad to love and support her. I was told that it would get easier for me also! Lies - I can't help but feel that every word Gail Block, my caseworker with FOC, and Friends of Children spit out of their mouths were lies! If I could go back, knowing what I know and feel now, things would be so different! I would be the one preparing for my daughter's birthday! I would be the one waiting in anticipation for her to blow out the candles on her cake and open her presents! I would be the one that she calls Mom! If only I had known...

Dedicated to Megan

He Would Be 16 Video

He Would Be 16 lyrics - Michelle Wright lyrics

Michelle Wright Music Videos

Music Video Codes by VideoCure

Birthday Wishes

I am sitting here doing my best to think of something positive to write about. I know that in all actuality I should feel good about things. The temperature was in the high 70s today. All of our flowers and trees are full of blooms and the birds are singing. I have accepted an exceptional job that most people can only dream of. Our vacation to the Gulf Coast of Florida is only three weeks away. Yet, I sit here feeling like the world is sitting on my shoulders, weighing me down. What is wrong with me? Why do I do this to myself? I know that the month of April is harder on me. It's been that way now for 18 years. I know that it comes every year and every year I promise myself that I'm not going to let it get me down. Those are just promises I make to myself to help me believe that it's going to get easier. Broken promises - that I know I will never be able to keep. That is, until I find her. Of course I won't have any guarantees then, but at least I will know. There will be no more questioning, no more hoping and praying and no more grieving. Even as those words come out of my mind, I know they aren't true. I have subjected myself to a lifetime of heartbreak even if I find her. I think this year is so much harder because she turns 18. Now she can legally search for me. That scares me more than anything because if I don't hear anything from her then I will feel that she doesn't want to know me or her family! I will fear that she will never know how much love we all had/have for her! As hard as it will be, I will be able to live with that, but I will never be able to live with her questioning her Mom Mom Nita's and Poppy Ed's love for her. They didn't have a choice. They had to live with my decision and they have both regretted it ever since. That's what hurts the most. So today I am grieving what might have been, what should have been and what may never be. Today I am heartbroken for my parents because they deserve to know our missing piece! Today I am heartbroken for Megan because I realize how much she will be missing out on if she never gets a chance to know them! I know that birthday wishes are supposed to be for the birthday girl, but this year I am going to make a wish for Megan's birthday. My wish is that she gets a chance to know her Mom Mom and Poppy and that they get a chance to finally hold her in their arms!

Too Many Choices

I know what most of you are going to say before I even begin typing this blog. "You can never have too many choices!" It's like a broken record that keeps playing in my head, over and over and over again. However, for someone like me - someone who can only function "normally" with defined structure and routine in their life - too many choices becomes overwhelming. I joke about this being an issue that I associate with my touch of bi-polar disease (not officially diagnosed, but I would bet my last dime on it!), but this is a debilitating issue for me. When I am faced with important delimmas and there are choices that I have to make regarding these, I tend to go into defensive mode. I think of 5 million reasons why the change would not be beneficial to me. Someone on the outside would hear my reasons and laugh at how petty they were. I would try to explain how the slightest change in my routine can cause me to shut down and not want to interact with the world any more. They would say that we all have those moments. I would say that when I am taken out of my comfort zone then I tend to feel like I need to escape - not only from the issue at hand, but everything: myself, my family, my job, etc. (Now don't get excited. I'm not going anywhere. I'm just trying to help you understand how my mind works.) I just wish there was a magic button that I could push that would just make the decision for me. Even better would be a magic button that would help everyone else see how my mind works. Maybe then they would understand that some of us just aren't built for life that keeps changes lanes. Some of us are quite content (and actually prefer) our every day, simple, scheduled life.

Leavin' on a jet plane

Well today is my first full day of Jason being out of town. For the most part, while he's away, the daytime hours pass as usual. It's when I get home after work that I notice the stillness of life without him. I expect to see him walking through the door with that ear to ear grin that still melts my heart every time I see it. Then I realize that I'm not going to see that smile for a few more days and I start to feel all alone. (As I am typing this, almost as if on cue, my beautiful calico baby girl curls up on the desk beside my keyboard. It's almost as if she's reminding me that they -my furry babies- are still here.) I know I'm not alone. Jason makes sure to call me as much as possible. I talk to my Mom, probably more than she'd like to, and then my wonderful 2nd family (Jason's family - they are much too special to be called in laws) call and check in and also extend wonderful invites to dinner. As nice as it all is, it just doesn't make up for him not being here! I just love sharing every day, ordinary life with him! Everything seems so much better when I get to share it with him! I know I could live without him if I had to, but I also know that life would never be quite as "sunshiny" or filled with quite as many rainbows! Hurry home, baby doll! We (your shuga-booga, Gracie Girl, Superman -AKA Jiggy- and your Jezzy Girl) are all waiting with our arms wide open! We love you beyond!